P is for Pestilence, Pain and Perseverance

An AlphaBytes Entry

I can never just pick one word, can I? I go for several days trying to find just the right word for the letter and damned if when it shows up, two others don't pop right with it.

I feel like I am just barely hanging on. I am running on sleep deprivation, so it's making it all the worse. The pestilence part would be my Prince Sexy Bitch Son, who can't be counted on for anything anymore. He's 18 and graduated, by God that is reason enough to act like my house is a boarding house and not his home where he has chores and certain expectations. I am fighting the urge to put him out of my house on his ass--just to give him that wake up call. I suddenly understand why my parents did it to my brother. I spent years mad at them for it. Now I totally get it. Hell, my brother got it before I did. :)

The other pestilence is the mosquito swarm that got a hold of my little one. He had a terrible reaction to the bites and got sick from it. I spent the entire afternoon at the hospital with him today trying to figure out what was wrong and determine it was NOT West Nile. They did test after test, he was pretty freaked out. It's about 98% sure it's not WNV. But the test won't be back until Tuesday. The poor little kid, he's been wiped out with fevers for the last two days, this morning's going up to 104.2. He's got a bacterial infection in his blood, with a bit higher than desired on the viral side too.

At Christmas he had the flu, and the fevers were so fast moving on him, it sent him into seizures that scared the hell out of me. I've seem plenty of seizures and these looked nothing like what I'd ever seen. So this morning, when his fever pitched, I flipped out. Guess it's now something I will have to deal with. The freaking out when he gets fevers. I can be such a baby about this. I just feel so helpless in a place I should feel in charge in. Makes me angry with myself. Thus, we get to pain and perseverance. I am turning into a pain in the ass--to myself. And I wonder if I have the perseverance to be a single parent for the years to come. All over again, I am alone. I am not complaining, because I know my husband is in a worse place, when this kind of stuff happens and he can't be here. But it's getting damned old to be there at the hospital alone and scared.

I am sure, in a couple of days, this will all pass and I'll go back to my *sunny side up* personality--or *frosted side* as Jason always said. I think it just struck home the other night and I can't get it off of me. I told my ex where we were headed. He lives 2 hours from there. We have somewhat friendly relationship. He often pisses me off and I give it to him with both barrels. But he and I bicker and go back to being friends all of the time. Anyway, he asked how my toddler was doing (He considers himself kind of an uncle to my toddler.) and I told him he was sick, I just wasn't sure what was up. He commented, "Well, one good thing, with me so close if anything goes on and you need my help, I can be there." It was a kind and well meant gesture, but it really hit me that in a time of crisis down there, my ex is more likely to be there to help me than my own husband. I hate that.

I love the Military, the life, but somedays I am so done with it all. I am sure when my husband retires, I'll miss the hell out of it, but right now, it's a focus to see him retire sooner than later. (JW, don't read this and think you're off the hook. :) )

Oh hell, let's add another P word: PFRUSTRATION! :) OK, whine is over, it's OK to come out. I feel better now.

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