One of those Sad ones

The mother of a really good friend died last weekend. I can't make myself let it go. She was such a lovely lady. I met her a couple of times, while we were living in Alaska. She came up to visit. She was one of those super moms. She really loved her family and her grandkids were her world. You could see it in her face. She just lit up. She and her husband reminded me of my parents, I guess it's why I was so instantly comfortable with them.

I am so sad in her passing, for her family, her son who now has to work through this sad facet of life: death. She died, while dancing with her husband at her 40th Class Reunion. It strikes me as devastating--to go like that. But then is it? You go fast, saved from a lingering death of some disease or worse. You die, being held by the love of your life, your spouse. I just don't know. For me, I'd want to go that way.

I go back to my own grandmother's death and think of how she went. No dignity. She was a grand lady too, but in her passing, she was in a nursing home, outliving her children and husband, loss of her facilities so she knew none of us, and was reliant for every detail of living on other people. Her husband died in a somewhat lingering way, but on his own terms at least. And my other grandfather, he was on his way home from a business trip, had a massive heart attack just 100 feet from a major intersection and rolled silently into a field and died so fast his face was peaceful when they found him. Had he rolled into the intersection and died there, he'd have likely killed or hurt others there, so the police told us. His death was devastating, because it was so sudden. But in the end, it gave us peace to know he left so fast, he never knew it. We felt later, it'd been a gift to go that way. I hope later, my friends family sees the way she went, as a blessing. Nothing will take away the shock of it, but maybe they will find comfort knowing she left so fast, and at the moment of the passing, she was happy.

My friend is my age, she was a couple of years younger than my own mother. My mom is also one of those lovely ladies. My mom has health issues. I gotta be honest, my friends mom's death has shocked me, but scared me for my own family's health and well being.

I think back to what my grandmother said back in the 60's when her father-in-law died, and then later when her own mother died. She commented that up until then, she and my grandfather and all of the sisters and brothers in-law, were always the younger generation, and the parents all the older generation. Then suddenly, the older generation was falling away and leaving them to be the older generation. It's really a cycle.

I don't fear death. I do fear the cycle. I don't even fear how I die. But I fear the loss of those around me, who are so special to me. I fear being left to hold the memories and not the people. I hate this of Linda's death. The emotions of her passing and then the emotions stirred up by her passing. I don't want to see my parents as the mortals they are. I don't want my friends, people my age or otherwise, to be faced with their parents deaths.

Man, this entry went negative, I need to end it. I thought I'd work some feelings out writing it down, instead, I've stirred them up.

Rest well Linda, you've been in my prayers and thoughts. Paul, we love you!