Thematic

Ever notice those times when certain themes seem to reign over your life and force you to acknowledge them?

I am not even sure when it first started--somewhere in the last couple of weeks. This phrase started in my head and has not really stopped.

"If you deny the dark side it's acknowledgment, you will never extinguish it's power." This is not something I have read, as best I can tell, I made it up.

I had a funky dream one night, dealing with dark issues. Things I didn't want to cope with. So I cast them aside in the light of day...and then the power of that dark feeling took over. The depression set in, the I hate the Army stuff came, the hiding from feelings...It just all overwhelmed me.

Now, two weeks ago, something bad went down with our FRG, and until I wrote the letter and spoke to the right people, my damned fingers would not warm up. All-the-while chanting that little phrase. Then I jumped into the classes I'd signed up for.

They were and are wonderful. The people giving them, are great. However, I am a very strong willed, thick skinned person, and I do not always take things at face value. So I started seeing a trend that was very much in line with my little quote. Our instructors asked questions that they only encouraged positive answers to, rather than allow those who had other perceptions (less than positive) a chance to have their say. Denying their right to feel a program falls short of their expectations. Even when those expectations were what I'd consider realistic.

I'll be honest, the 2 specific women in that class who felt this way, were on my last nerve. However, they were denied their right to have a say, after being asked. I ended up on their team. Without hesitation, in our team exercise, they took over and their remarks were negative, I was then selected to read them. Because these women were on my team, I defended their right to say it. No one was hurt, this should have been honest discussion. In the end, I ended up the one getting the "Bad Attitude" award because I'd read the list off. Normally, I'd not have gone to such lengths to stand for something I really did not have feelings on. But because of my little epiphany, I just could not let it go. Twice this weekend, I met classmates who asked me why I was so negative. After explaining myself, they changed their approach.

Today, there we were in a new class, the one that really focuses on the negative...Suicide Prevention, again, the theme is here.

Except today, I heard it from the instructors for the class, and not just in my head. I just keep wondering where this is heading. What is it out there that I need to deal with to make this feeling go away? When these kinds of things come to me like this, they are almost always a life changing event. I find myself locked in the thoughts of what could be waiting around the corner?