the Bitter Root

I need a few minutes to get my brain back together. We've been going since this morning. We planned to spend this weekend working our crazy asses off, putting the house in total order.
The Brothers are coming to town for the Memorial weekend and the Twins graduation. It's cool to have the Brother-in-laws here, I have been looking forward to it for a while. We are always guests around them, not this way around.

The graduation for the Twins is Saturday, and we were supposed to be heading to Texas, Friday night for their graduation party. It may not happen now, because things are so freaking insane for Love of My Life at work. He found out day before yesterday that he is likely to have to replace one of the soldiers he was sending to a TDY in Texas. That soldier can't get the security release he needs so it may fall to my husband to go. Right in the middle of this 1,000 yard-wading in the crap fest we have going on.

It's a really sad commentary to a soldier's life. Soldiers miss so much. You ask a soldier how many anniversaries, Mother's days, birthdays, graduation, christenings they miss...they are likely to only be able to tell you how many they actually made it to. Because that number is so much smaller.

My husband was divorced from his ex before his boys were 4. His sons and daughter never knew the military life. They saw their mother move away and in with a man who came home every night--or was home all the time. They saw their dad stand them up over and over for events, because of deployments and other such issues, Military related. In their view, they do not get it at all. I think they feel their dad doesn't try hard enough. It's an excuse that he can't make it, to them.

He made it to several sporting events this year alone, that in itself was a huge triumph for him. The man adores his kids and inside of him there is a void myself or our son cannot fill as a result of the relationship he's not been able to have with the other three. Making those events was supposed to make him feel better, instead it hurt him more.

At times he asked for the kids for specific dates, she sent them home to her parents, therefore making them "busy." Times he tried to get there to see them that things came up, he got the blame for the shaft. Our marriage almost did not happen because of the misunderstanding on that side of the family. She attacked him for "jacking" around when he should have been coming to see his kids. Not caring that he'd flown for three days just to get home from Alaska. He came to my town first because my father loaned us use of his large vehicle so we could take ALL the kids everywhere. She did not care.

I am veering away from my point here. His kids, like so many others are victims of divorce from Military life. Some are proud of their parents, but for the most, many of these kids feel stood up because daddy doesn't make it home for every event.

Soldiers get 30 days of vacation a year. When I worked, I had 18 days. If I wanted to turn a 3 day weekend into a full week off work, I gave up 4 other vacation days. If a soldier wants to do the same, he forfeits the 3 day weekend and the 4 additional days. So he's used up 7-9 depending if he wants to stay "signed" out for the following weekend. If I wanted a vacation, I checked my schedule put in the request/notice with my HR dept and off I went. If a soldier wants time off--he needs to wait until block leave or possibly win some lottery of time for an off schedule time off.

While my husband was deployed this last year, the thing we held out hope on was that when he got home in March, he'd be home in time for their graduation. It's not been one of those "Yeah, if we can fit it in." For us, it's been two years of planning. Read back in this journal, you'll see the last time we had a child graduate, he came home just days before it happened. The reason he came home is because the Colonel told him to get a rental car and go home for it. They were on a lengthy TDY. (To this day, that man ranks up there as an angel.)

Several years back, my husband was gone ton a very long TDY, and my teenager ended up with a head injury, then became very ill in an unrelated way. I spent a week with him on the couch and me on the floor on a pallet. We watched tons of movies and hung out. I was stressed, but I was OK. Then he got better and literally the day he went back to school, my (then)toddler became very ill. He nearly died as a result of the illness. It scared me like nothing else ever has. I listened that night as they called a code blue to the little girl next door. I sobbed my way to the dawn. I sat there in the room, covered head-to-toe in pee, poop, vomit, blood, a drink and medication they tried to give him. I could not sleep, would not go home to change until I knew he was coming around the corner. No one entered the room without wearing total protection--scaring him to death. Then I dozed and the next nightmare I woke up to was the nurse screaming for someone to come help her...with my son. His O2 levels dropped, his machines were all buzzing and beeping. Once they stabilized him, I sat and bawled again. All I wanted was my husband to come and be with me. I was calling him constantly to keep him updated. The problem was, he was 3 days from coming home from a long TDY. The team he'd started out with had fallen to a third its original size. So many of his guys had to go home on emergencies. (Some even for the same strain of killer flu.) Every time one more person left, all that work fell on the remaining guys to get it done. It was 4 days before Christmas. The work HAD to get done, it was for a group of soldiers deploying right after the holidays. My husband's Colonel told him to go home and take care of the baby. I told him to stay with it and finish. If he didn't finish it'd be on his guys who were averaging 18-20 hr days already. I know he wanted to be there with us. But I also knew his sense of duty had him struggling with getting the job done.

I don't think I am a hero for that sacrifice. I think I am a realist and understand the military takes precedence. Not because he wants it to, but because it has to. It was a hardship for me to accept when we first got married. I went to bed very angry, many nights. Finally, somewhere in there I realized I could not compare him and his job to other neighbors who also were Army but worked vastly less hours. I realized I had to stop punishing him for not being home on my birthday. I realized a lot, grew up a lot.

Now, I look around and when a field problem is announced I hear the others out there bitching. I feel bad, I know their plight. But I also feel heavily for the soldier who endures the reign of crap from their unit, only to go home to face the reign of terror AND crap from their spouses and families who've not gotten it.

Anyway, now that we've explored the bitter root of it all, back to the grind.

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